Tuesday's Doggie Bag

...hey hey, ho hoo, genuflect and UP WE GO!!! Well I guess the closing of almost 50 Catholic churches in the Cleveland Diocese proves once again that 1) we are living in immoral times, 2) the loss of The Mystery in all religions....except the Hebrews and Shebrews...has driven people away from the church, 3) people don't feel like they are getting any mileage for their "offerings", 4) Fundamentalism, with all it's rules and strictures, is on the rise and not just among the Christians. Just look at what those Koran Kickers are doing in the Iraq and Afghanistan.( Koran Kickers are the equivalent of Bible Beaters back here in the good ol` USA.com/gov.)
...and then finally it proves two things. First, as far as the "Church" is concerned, people in this Post Modern era are no longer intimidated by the God/Hey-Soos/ Es spiritu sancti three pointed pitch fork and are not scared of Burning In Hell. There is no morality any more. Thats mostly the electronic media's fault , in that people's decision making processes have been completely over-hauled. Where before, you had to "search" for your answers and take time to frame your questions, now all ya gotta do is plop down on your ass and push a few buttons and BINGO!!! Problem solved....AND, where the belief once concerned the Newspaper, "Computers Don't LIE!!! Right? They are not allowed to lie,yes? Just like the Bible is the absolute #1 chronicle of the TOTALLY EXACT WORD GOD EXACTLY HOW IT WAS UTTERED back 1500 years ago,no? Musta been like in the first part Acts when the spirit came upon a group of men in a market place who immediately flung they sefs down in the dust, started convulsing and all began Speaking in Tounges BBUUTT...each one of them spoke in a different language. It was an Equal Opportunity Convulsive moment and I am almost 100% positive that at least one of those guys was croaking in ENGLISH because thats the language my Bible is written in, ka-peesch? And even though the language DID NOT EXIST YET, God in all his wisdom, knew that English was coming and let a little bit slip out every once in a while for Road Testing.
....and lastly it proves without a doubt that God MUST have a really broad SENSE OF HUMOR!!! Otherwise, how in the world do you account for barbed wire and aluminum foil??
Moe Later...........................

The History of Dog Tisssue

There has always been a great deal of controversy and scientific speculation concerning dog tissue in the days of early proto-human expansion.Due to over laps in evolution, it is easily assumed that pre-homo sapien sapiens probably dealt with more rhino and elephant and baboon tissue than dog tissue. However, recent excavations in Tanzania have revealed a kind of arboreal tissue that may have been laid down by proto-tree climbing dogs, a vestigal trait now lost among moderns, but is probably just giraffe tissue laid down on high. We do know for certain that there was a great deal of dog tissue involved when the cro-magnons began their rudimentary "villages".In fact Neolithic dog tissues had been found fron the Lascaux regions of France all the way to the Stepps of the Ukraine.But again,early humans had much bigger tissue concerns with mammoths, wolly and otherwise running around.( Frozen remains from Siberia have found where entire human beings were buried alive in monstrous mammoth tissue mounds, the expressions of horror and revulsion fixed in their eyes forever!) The very first authenticated discoveries of dog tissue come from the villages along the coast of modern day Turkey,however the Chinese claim that chinese dog tissue has been found in the Bampo Village circa 14,000 BF; that is Before Fone Bone.

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Dog Tissue

No you haven't fallen down the rabbit hole or been kidnapped by aliens or found out that girl you are dating is actually your long lost sister who was given up to adoption before you were born.Nothing quite that bad...However,look back into your childhood;look back and remember when you were out playing ball with your buddies and, while running to catch that high fly to center, that catch that would make the other guys stop picking you last and giving you DEEP,DEEP center field and laughing at your $4.00 ball glove that,in spite of Needsfoot oil and a stole whole coil of soldering wire to wrap it, your glove is so cheap and so flat you could more easily catch a flying pancake.And you're going deep,deeper,your flat glove held skyward like a beach umbrella; just a few more inches and SQUISH! Your right foot slides out from undere you,you fall down on your side; you don't know whats happening and the THAT AWFUL SMELL!! Oh my God! A big, brown, steaming pile of DOG TISSUE, that stinky,awful,ofal,hidden reducer of kid pride everywhere.Boy do your buddies let you have now, plus which fact now you gotta walk home covered in DOG TISSUE! Oh-mi-god.What a horrible thing to crush a kids self-esteem.
Well cheer up! Now that you are 'growd-up' here is something you may not have thought about! Besides the obvious faults of Dog Tissue,consistancy,smell,embaressment,shame, and skillful secrecy, when you stepped in IT,that entire moment and every thing subsequent was the absolute,by God TRUTH! You couldn't lie your out of it,like when you got pinched by your mom...actually your bitch older sister ratted you out...for stolen candy at the drug store; you cannot just simply pretend that it isn't there, and worst of all, you can't even resort to the ultimate kid dodge,you can't cry it away; actually that would make it worse.
But here's the good news.Because of the wonders of dog tissue you gained the ability to recognize the TRUTH as soon as you STEPPED IN IT!!! Thia ia the magic and power of dog tissue and we here at Fone Bone Dog Tissue Company, the world's leader in pure,actual A1 dog tissue, are here to provide.Everyday,or maybe every other days depending how much 80 proof the staff consumes at the evening's editorial huddling, we here at Fone Bone call the meetings "The Old Butt Sniffer". But welcome one and all.Be ready to start stepping back into the dirty smelly truth, enough so that you can piss-off just about everybody you know!!!